Back to the future
They say ‘history repeats’ - is this why?
It’s 1985 and a boyish Michael J. Fox aka Marty McFly has been accidently transported back to the 50’s. In order to get home he must guarantee that his teenage mum and dad meet and fall in love! Can he do it? Will he do it!? Amazing, he’s done it!
If only it were just like the movies…
Have you ever heard that line “it’s no accident they ended up together” or maybe “he married his mother” Or even “trouble just seems to find me!”
How does this happen, and if not Marty McFly - who decides?
I think there’s little doubt people seek comfort and acceptance from others in ways that just ‘feels’ right for them. What makes ‘right’ though? And is right really, well, right?
It seems that having had our basic needs met when growing up (think care, safety, boundaries, nurturance, love, kindness etc), complemented by good values, goes a long way to having a healthier view of ourselves. Rich, meaningful and harmonious relationships with others tend to accompany this.
But what if things weren’t so straight forward? (which is not unusual) Could the opposite then be true? What if our caregivers modelled connection with ‘strings attached’, lofty expectations, eccentricities or even abuse and neglect? How might this pave the way for our future relationships?
OK, quick relationship health check: Are yours equal, unconditional, authentic and honest? Maybe, maybe not?
Of course we’re barely scratching the surface here, and there’s an infinite amount of combinations and factors at play.
So perhaps taking a look at our history of relationships to date is a good marker - all relationships, i don’t just mean partners. This often reveals a pattern of the ‘type’ of people we’re attracted to, and yep, who’s attracted to us.
Maybe you’re a people pleaser, avoid conflict at all costs and don’t call BS when you probably should? Or perhaps you blindly seek out people who won’t challenge you and wind up in relationships that lack accountability? What has this cost you?
If your relationships are perhaps superficial, passive, ‘rescuing’, chaotic or even toxic, that's ok, they might just need some fine tuning by shifting your thinking and finding qualities in yourself and others that are more meaningful to you.
Exploring the ‘why’ in our learnt behaviours is an important piece of the puzzle, no matter what the reason you decide to come to therapy. It’s also incredibly rewarding and can be extremely ‘freeing’.
Get in touch for a chat about the ways we can work together to begin to discover what’s really important to you, and make better choices to improve your relationships.
Tim
tim@timnolancounselling.com.au
